Experience shows grumpy dogs smarter than happy-go-lucky

Do you have a grumpy dog? Celebrate. A new Hungarian study, which I feel certain will be paid for out of Joe Biden’s infrastructure bill, has concluded that irritable dogs are smarter than the happy-go-lucky sort.

Let me back up here. The study just makes this rather broad assumption that smarter dogs are better dogs, which is not necessarily true. To wit, my dogs, Pete and Addie, go on a long hike with my brother and I every Friday. 

Neither has a Google calendar at their disposal, but somehow they know. From the moment they wake up, something in their tiny little brains tells them it’s Friday, and they will nag and pester me all morning to get in the truck and go, already.

I guess it’s the same way that a 10-point buck can basically spend all summer on your front porch playing cards, but on the first day of deer season is nowhere to be found.

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Anyway, the researchers placed dogs — which had been graded on personality — inside a V-shaped fence, with a treat on the outside, just beyond the point. So to get the food, the dogs had to retreat in order to advance. 

All dogs were able to figure this out with the help of their owners, but “grumpy dogs” were more likely to accept cues from strangers, which researchers equated with higher intelligence.

Based on my own experience with two vastly different dogs, I feel well qualified to comment. Addie is the classic grouch, and Pete, who worships his sister, is the joyful but clueless pesky little brother. If he jumps up on a bed she already occupies, Addie will make a great, dramatic show of flouncing off, because obviously his mere presence transgresses the bounds of what a reasonable dog should have to endure.

So I sort of agree with the Hungarians’ conclusion, but I have a lot of questions and caveats.

First, we need to define “grumpy.” Are we talking librarian grumpy or DMV clerk grumpy, i.e., “I’m smarter than you” grumpy vs. “You’re dumber than me” grumpy.

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Addie, the Aaron Rodgers of dogs, is clearly in the former category, as demonstrated by her overt irritation — evidenced with copious growling — when I forget to hand out their after-dinner Pork Chomp. This tradition began, incidentally, because Addie is a picky eater, and would only finish her dinner if there was a reward in it for her. The mere fact that she was able to parlay food into even more food probably tells you all you need to know about her intelligence. Or mine, one or the other.

Had Addie been involved in the aforementioned experiment, she would have had the Hungarians running around the fence themselves to grab the treat and bring it to her, while apologizing for being late.

As for Pete — well, good luck finding a fence that would hold him back. When my brother and I were in the woods last year, we were confronted with a bit of a rock face that I feared the dogs would not be able to handle. After scrambling up, I turned to report that the wall was indeed too hard for the dogs … and there sitting at my feet was Pete with a look of pure elation, wondering what was next.

This boundless enthusiasm is matched, sadly, by a pathological haplessness. If there is one bush full of burrs, Pete will find it. If there is one jar of nails on a job site, Pete will be the one who knocks it over.

He may, however, get a pass because along with grumpy dogs, greater intelligence was also recorded in dogs that were charitably described as “overactive.”

After a long run of heart-achingly stupid dogs, my latest animals have trended in the other direction. Both sets are quite lovable; but I take offense when they are smarter than me.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.